How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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