God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The uberlube is also flammable
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
