I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
