You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
