You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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