Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
