Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
