Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
