I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
