The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
