How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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