Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
