apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
