The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
