I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
