Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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