She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
