I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
