My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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