M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
