Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
