i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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