Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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