I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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