8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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