i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
