at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
