I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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