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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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