Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
