So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
