and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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