3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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