What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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