the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
