i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
