thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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