Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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