you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he was CRYING into my vagina
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
