She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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