apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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