It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Liz is crying about burritos again.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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