you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
