I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
there is glitter all over my balls
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
