dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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