I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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