We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
