My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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