My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
