I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...