best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
