Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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