i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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