I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
