can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
