you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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