Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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