Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
