I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
