I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
