I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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