Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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