My sheets look like a crime scene.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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