what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
