i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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