just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
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I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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